How to stay sane

Ever wonder why you try so hard to hold on when a good bout of insanity would shock the system just right? [Whew..] This internet is a beast, connecting me with ghosts I never once thought would re-enter my life. Surely if they did an out would be around the corner? What's worse is not that people re-enter but its who I am...that...is what causes problems. It's the desire to prove myself. Selling myself for friends, hoping that their friendship can fill a void, or amuse me along the way. But it is just an imitation. Spam friends.

The pressure I put on myself to be something incredible; someone others would be drawn to is there. It exists. I hate this beast that works in me because its not real. I hate it. I hate that I really want to amaze everyone; be something great that you hear people saying, "Did you hear what she's up to?" At least if I'm going to suffer, let me suffer A LOT. If I'm going to travel, let it be somewhere exciting. If I study, let it be something sensational. Jesus, this is me. Just as I am.

Tonight the kids were over and as I waited in my car for theirs to move so I could escape to the gym and vent some of this internal frustration and that song came in my mind: "Nobody loves me but you..."